Fight! Fight! Fight! These Are Your Craziest Wedding Brawl Stories
In DepthUpon reflection, it’s rather incredible that more weddings don’t feature fisticuffs. Emotions are running high, booze is flowing freely (generally), and the guest list is almost always comprised of at least a few people who have a fraught relationship. Weddings should, in theory, basically be WWE with slightly less Spandex.
Yet, more often than not weddings are relatively well-behaved affairs. Thank God for that! And thank God for the exceptions to that rule, because without those exceptions we would not be here enjoying the totally bonkers stories you all had to share about fights that took place at your weddings.
My dad and his youngest brother (both groomsmen) got into a parking lot fistfight over my mom (a bridesmaid) at their brother’s wedding. My parents met that day and liked each other immediately, but my mom and my youngest uncle were the same age and all of the relatives thought they should get together, so they kept encouraging my uncle until he thought she should belong to him.
My dad won the fight and got to take the girl home. My uncle got over his crush. The marriage dissolved a few years later because the bride was a bitch.
Not my wedding but my mom’s. My dear sweet grandmother (mom’s side) was not happy that her ex husband (my mom’s dad) brought a floozie to the wedding. They had divorced due to his philandering ways. From what I was told my 5 foot 1 inch grandma proceeded to grab said floozie and help her out of the reception. She did this by throwing her out a glass door. I would have loved to see that!
My best friend’s twin brother’s wedding was the business. The bride’s family is how do you say…….very Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies. Simple country folk that did very well in real estate. We are at a 5 star resort and in the lobby after the rehearsal dinner, the sister of the bride BEAT THE SHIT out of their Dad’s girlfriend. I mean absolutely crushed this poor girl, wailed on her like it was her job. Not her first time, obviously. All the drunken country boys were trying to protect the tiny, young woman from this lunatic and it took several of them to pull her off. In that melee, she got some lacerations and bloodied her nose. Why did this happen? She just didn’t like her Dad’s girlfriend and didn’t want her at the wedding. At the ceremony the next day, the Maid of Honor had a black eye, a bloody lip, welts all over her face, scratches running down her neck and a very satisfied and unapologetic smirk. It was a scene man. The staff at the resort were incredibly happy to see us go.
A bunch of girls and I along with the bride practiced for days (yeah it was a last minute thing) a flash mob dance that we were going to do towards the end of the wedding a certain song was to come on and we would line up and dance. It went off without a hitch but no one was clapping although everyone was watching, we were confused. That was until we realise that one of the guests, possibly a groomsman, had come up behind one of the girls at the back and started grinding up against her and she turned around and slogged him. I don’t know what happened next but the bride had pinned up up against a wall at some point. I was more concerned with my friend but the next thing I know he was being escorted out of the wedding by his very pregnant wife.
At my cousin’s wedding the groom, all 4 groomsmen, and a few extras got into a massive wrestling match/brawl that carried them into the cake (after about half had been eaten, so not a total disaster). The tuxes were a very light gray; the cake had a raspberry jam layer. It looked like they were mud wrestling in blood.
The weirdest part? It wasn’t even a real fight. They were just messing around for fun, but fun involved full-body tackles and flying elbows.
And the tux rental place never called about the cleaning fees.
My brother in law and my husband’s various cousins (all males between 19 and 27 at the time) spent the week leading up to our wedding horsing around and jokingly pretending to punch each other in the nuts. Ha ha. Nut violence. Hilarious.
Fast forward to our wedding reception as I am BRUTALIZING a Blondie song during karaoke (yes, we had karaoke, and it was awesome) I hear a WAILING commotion at the side of the dance floor and then a collective gasp. Brother in law had apparently been drinking enough that he’d forgotten to pull his punches and socked my husband’s youngest cousin in the balls. Said cousin then vomited on dance floor.
In what will be a surprise to precisely no one who read through the comments, this week’s best story award goes to noseriouslywhy for this incredible tale of uncle-on-uncle gun violence.
I come from a HUGE family, half of which still live in Oklahoma. Yeah, you know this is about you, You. There was a rift in the 50s over a bunch of money from some business endeavor and that story itself is insane, but it came up at my cousin’s wedding when I was 15. She had specifically stated NO FLASKS on the invitation, because we know how we get, but in the middle of the dancing one of my uncles shot another uncle, standing right there. It was weird.
Epilogue: Shooter went to jail; The Mouth went to the hospital. With that many relatives and being younger I didn’t really know who was who, but years later my grandmother was talking about something and I mentioned I hadn’t met the person she was talking about, and she said ‘No you have; you saw him shoot your uncle. ‘. I mean…hello. Pssshhh. You’ve totally met him!
Image via Shutterstock.
Contact the author at [email protected].
0 Comments