Aren’t you just so tired of seeing gigantic perfect diamonds and shimmering bands of platinum on the left ring fingers of all your engaged friends? No? Can you pretend to be over it for the sake of this post? Great, thanks.

We believe your engagement should be as unique as your love; to that end, your ring needn’t even necessarily be a ring, not when there are so many other tempting symbols with which you can convey the fact that you’re en route to becoming an honest women. Just try saying “no” to...

1. Engagement Brass Knuckles

(Don’t tell her they’re cubic zirconium unless you want a FACE FULL OF METAL.)

2. Engagement Branding

That new monogram, right on your butt.

3. Engagement Reverse Bear Trap

4. Engagement Genital Herpes

Forever love is commiserating over the raging blisters on your special parts, an average of four times per year for the rest of your lives.

5. Engagement Blinding with Lye

6. Engagement Baby!

Congratulations!

7. Engagement Pin a Murder Case on ‘Em

8. Engagement Face Tattoo

This is Drake’s wife, did you know?

9. Engagement Macaw

Macaws mate for life with their human owners and even lay eggs for them. They will violently attack any person or animal who gets too close to their one and only. They can live to be 100-years-old. Macaws, everybody!

10. Engagement Ring Finger Amputation

Nothing says “I’m off the market!” like a missing digit.


Contact the author at jane.marie@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty.