Welcome to Bride on Acid, a wedding "advice" column written by a bride on very powerful hallucinogens — because what person planning a wedding hasn't felt reality unravel around them?
Dear Bride on Acid,
My mom is planning a small bridal shower for me and my friends, and if I leave the food up to her, we'll be eating soggy mini-quiches all night. Any suggestions on how to spice up the menu?
—Here Comes the Bland
EASY, EASY! That's what Vincent Adultman says to do when you pull his broom arm too hard and he almost topples over and reveals himself to be three children in a trench coat doing that thing from the Little Rascals. Let Vincent Adultman be your spirit guide, in this and all things. Bring a sense of whimsy to your menu.
Do you have a cigarette?
Okay, just asking. I might need a...menthol...maybe? Not now, in a little bit. I'm going to ride this one out.
So Vincent and then how we're all little people inside the human suit of big people, multiple consciousness...sorry, should this be in the vows? I feel like I'm on to something. I feeeeeeel like I want to start eating gluten again, possibly as soon as we figure out your food situation.
Possibly sooner. Possibly in the past, when monks discovered gluten as a "meat like gel" that floated off of bread if it was submerged in water for too long. Sub-merged.
If you don't like your mother's menu because let's face it, she's definitely trying to poison you—quick, to the safe space behind the cat scratching post!—then may I suggest coming with your own positive-vibed food byproduct?
Here's a super easy recipe that like engagement chicken, helped me land my husband. But unlike engagement chicken, it makes itself and then buys you a Hibachi magic wand and your own subscription to WeirdHentaiShit.com. This meal knows what you like, sort of? You'll get into it.
Bridal shower food product:
- One bag of turkey dogs
- Three of those different types of chutney that come in all Indian takeout
- Beans from a plastic container that aren't wet but aren't dry
- Various sauces like ketchup and mustard and horseradish — just make sure they come in cool bottles
1. Open fridge.
2. Select turkey dogs your fiancé left before his trip to LA, under the premise that you don't know how to feed yourself and he doesn't want a repeat of the biting incident when he returns home.
3. Turkey dogs should give off a vibe of revolution.
4. Cook turkey dogs by not boiling them. Use butter.
Oh, another ingredient is ALL THE CHEESES.
6. Take bread and wrap up turkey dog and place so cheese around it, some of crumbled, or maybe on top like a hat.
7. Spread out all the chutney on the dog, like it's blood and guts.
8. Equally space out the mustard and ketchup like their bottles are spirals on a giant fortress
9. See if you can get the turkey dog to sing all of Javert's "Stars" from Les Mis.
Giggle giggle giggle giggle
10. You are not home clear yet!! Now you have to eat the turkey dog.
Oh, it's okay.
11. Leave the rest for the dog or your mother, if you can even tell the difference anymore.
Dear Bride on Acid,
I'm having a hard time deciding what song to play when I walk down the aisle. I don't want to go with any of the cliches, like Pachelbel's Canon or Here Comes the Bride (barf!), but I also don't want to go too far out on a limb and offend any of my uptight relatives. Do you have any suggestions for me?
What's interesting to me about this question is that you somehow managed to find a man to marry you despite the fact that you are a droid.
Or wait – are you actually a witch? And you're just undercover? Okay I get it. I get it, and I like it.
So one category to avoid is any songs that have to do with witchcraft because now is not the time for your dude to find out about THAT. Now let's say one of those songs comes on by accident. Well, okay, just slowly press your hands together to stop time and go over to the iPod and hit fast forward. The only danger of this approach is that time itself might start fast forwarding and you could find yourself pregnant with your third kid and seriously considering a divorce. If that does happen, think about the impact it will have on your children, which is to say, kids are better off with happily separated parents than with unhappily married ones. But we can't necessarily let children rule our lives so if you'd rather stay together and make everyone suffer, that's your prerogative, and maybe they'll learn a thing or two about sticking it out and besides that's what your parents did so fuck everyone.
It's funny that the owl up there in that tree is saying all this and knows so much about you and your family history. Would it have been any different if you'd stayed together with any of your ex-boyfriends, asks the owl? Walking down the aisle is a good time to carefully reconsider each and every one of your exes, says the owl. Now the owl's face is changing into the face of that one guy you still have a little bit of a crush on, that one guy you never got to kiss and now never will. And with that thought comes the answer. The perfect song.
Art by Jim Cooke.