Groom Academy Housebreaks Your Fiancé Before He Pisses on Your Gown

“Groom Academy” is a progressive new program designed to properly train your man in the art of good husbandry. It reinforces a slew of tired domestic stereotypes, sure, but you know: happy wife, happy life. Let’s find out how to make those goddamned wives happy.

Offered at 10 hotels across the UK, Groom Academy is a one-day course that aims to educate men in the fine arts of cooking, laundry, bed-making, ironing, and even cocktail preparation — all skills completely foreign to penis-bearing primates. Brides can also enroll their hapless beast-mates in a personal training session, because in addition to not knowing how to load a dishwasher, grooms are soft and mushy and do not know how to do crunches.

Here’s an example of the “exclusive academy” schedule that promises to “groom men to become perfect husbands who know how to keep the romance alive.”

12:30pm: Grooms arrive and are greeted by front of house staff before being directed to one of the hotel’s suites

12:45pm: Grooms are then met by the hotel’s executive housekeeper who will give the participant a 30 minute housekeeping consultation. Housekeepers will reveal their top tips for a spotless house based on years of professional experience.

1:15pm: Husbands-to-be are then tasked with some hands-on practice in bed-making including perfecting those crisp corners. This session is followed by an ironing lesson which will give the men experience of quickly and easily ironing shirts and pressing trousers.

2pm: Grooms have a chance to catch their breath and enjoy a spot of tea or coffee before heading into the hotel kitchen.

2:30pm: The hotel’s experienced head chef will sit down with the participants and run through the couple’s favourite flavours and dishes, as well as dislikes and any allergies, before preparing an easy to replicate menu that can be rolled out at special celebrations and anniversaries.

The husbands-to-be will work closely with the chef to learn the cooking skills required to pull off the meal, as well the secrets to pristine food presentation.

3:45pm: Next up is a refreshments tutorial hosted by the hotel’s resident sommelier, mixologist or bar manager, depending on the hotel.

The drinks expert will host a wine tasting session to help the groom decide on a wine that perfectly complements his newly created speciality. Alternatively, the hotel’s in-house mixologist will give a step-by-step practical tutorial on how to shake up their wife’s favourite fruity cocktail on request.

4:30pm: Freshly armed with the Groom Academy skills which will help keep their other halves happy ever after, grooms are then joined by their wives and can retire to the bar or guest room with their freshly prepared drinks.

7pm: The couple will enjoy a scrumptious three course meal at the hotel’s restaurant followed by a luxurious overnight stay and delicious full breakfast the following morning before checking out.

In addition to providing a preemptive save on a marriage that was unquestionably doomed due to the groom’s inability to execute perfect hospital corners, Groom Academy will also send its graduates annual reminder texts so that the poor chaps never forget their wedding anniversary.

It’s hard to enjoy strolling down life’s great path with your mister if he isn’t properly leash-trained. Groom Academy gets that. Thank you, Groom Academy.