Happy National Proposal Day, You Lonely, Unlovable Monster

As a reminder that you’ll probably die alone looking into a mirror, whoever makes up holidays has deemed March 20th National Proposal Day, leaving you with less than 24 hours to find someone, anyone to propose to you and validate your entire existence. Here are some fun facts about that proposal you’re not getting!

I want to take a moment to pause and remind my own partner, who sometimes reads my work when I send it to him with the subject line “MUST READ!!!” that he’s missed asking me for my hand in holy matrimony on both Valentine’s Day and Christmas. He’s got two chances left after today: my birthday on April 2nd and our anniversary on April 15th. If you’re reading this, you know what to do. Please pay attention to the important tips I’m about to share. (Did I just use a national media website just so I could get proposed to? Yes, that is one of the many perks of working here.)

In any event, here are some fun factoids on what a proposal should be in order for it to mean something. Remember, if it’s just a ring in a glass of champagne it’s bullshit and you should loudly demand a do-over in public. I would and I’m not even that picky. And so would at least some of the 1007 engaged women who were randomly selected for a survey on this matter. Unless you’re a beggar who can’t be a chooser, in which case just run with it like Sheila’s mom in A Chorus Line.

From the press release I got this week reminding me of my unengaged status and the fact that David’s Bridal now surveys women to make other people feel bad about their less-than-perfect engagements:

The Picture Perfect Proposal

Turns out, most women would rather have an unforgettable proposal than be head over heels for the ring.

When asked about their engagement experience, a majority of respondents (56 percent) said they’d rather have the most romantic proposal but not be in love with the ring, while 44 percent said they’d rather the ring of their dreams but have an awful proposal. Take notes grooms-to-be!

The information is vague in terms of what a romantic or unforgettable proposal should be but I imagine that it should involve at least one cheesecake and/or a rowboat (preferably together; come for the cheesecake in a bucolic setting, stay for the loveless marriage that lasts at least 20 years) and, for a magical touch, a sedated woodland creature to bear the ring. Some people would probably go for less (but not much!), though it’s important to note that romance doesn’t always include holding strangers hostage to your proposal. You want a flashmob? Great! Do it in your backyard.

And what about that whole ring thing? Will a beautiful ring really make up for an awful proposal? I’d like to test this hypothesis. Since I can’t assume that the brides here aren’t talking about awful as “adorably awkward,” with someone falling into a lake or choking on a ring, I’d like to see someone propose with a beautiful ring at a funeral, or while one of the partners is being arrested. Then let’s see if the ring makes up for that.

And speaking of the ring, apparently it’s not enough to carry your new ring at everyone’s eye level for six months after the proposal. Some people are now making the #ringselfie happen.

RingSelfie

Most modern day brides-to-be wait for the moment they can brag about their ring on social media!

When asked if they posted a ring selfie on their social media channels, 60 percent said “YES!”

And she’s not wasting any time! 37 percent of women posted a picture of their ring within an hour of their engagement, while 31 percent gave it a couple hours longer. Only 1 in 5 women gave it a week before blabbing about their excitement. They just couldn’t hold it in!

First of all, I cannot believe we are congratulating people for not posting their rings immediately after saying yes. You can wait a goddamn minute and enjoy the moment. I’m not saying that’s what I would do, but I also wouldn’t use Facebook (the most popular network) to share my joy because I would be too worried that not enough people would like the announcement. There is literally nothing worse on earth — not genocide, not death, not starvation — than not enough people liking your #ringselfie. For the rest of your life your ring is just a reminder that while one person wants to (theoretically) spend the rest of their life with you, that the kid you hated from high school who posts racist rhetoric on a daily basis couldn’t give less of a shit about the rose gold on your finger.

One more stat for you, dear lonely wretches: Apparently no one is meeting their partners online anymore, so if you want to get proposed to today (or on this day next year), you may have to leave the house…which is kind of a deal breaker, to be honest.

Let the Sparks Fly!

For most women that will be saying “yes” on National Proposal Day, they met their significant other the old-fashioned way!

23 percent were set up by a trusty friend

27 percent met at either work or school.

Still holding out hope for the one? Another 14 percent met their partner randomly – you never know when a night out at the bar or a trip to the grocery store could change your life!

If this is true then a lot of us would be dying alone right now. I’ve met all of my boyfriends online, mainly because I make a terrible first impression and also look kind of mean when people first meet me. I also can’t trust the taste of my friends and would probably refuse to date someone in a class with, on account of I’d like them until they raised their hand and said something stupid and I would not be able to forgive such a thing. What about you?

To be real, I don’t know if a National Proposal Day is good for any of us. I want to not fall for it, but it’s been in the back of my head since I got a stupid press release on Monday, at which point I started dropping little hints to my partner about it. And how many of us will not begin to grow anxious as day turns into night without a proposal to be had? And how many of us will drown those anxieties in a delicious glass of alcohol and a couple of Ativan just to take the edge off? If there’s anyone this day is good for, it’s alcohol manufacturers and big pharma.