Maybe I Should See if My Fiancé Has an Actual Opinion About Our Wedding?

Illustration for article titled Maybe I Should See if My Fiancé Has an Actual Opinion About Our Wedding?

Wherein our columnist, currently in early stages of planning her wedding, has a GChat conversation with her fiancé to discuss how, exactly, this shit is going to go down.


LAUREN: Hi babe! How’s D.C.? Did you have a burger for dinner?

JOE: Yes, I did have a burger for dinner. I had a bison burger.

LAUREN: Did you get chez on it?

JOE: It was real good, yeah, and honestly I don’t know if there was cheese on it because I ate it too fast.

LAUREN: I’m glad you ate fast.

JOE: Yes…because we have a lot of talking to do?

LAUREN: YUP! And because we’re planning a wedding! Do you remember what the date is?

JOE: Ha, Lauren. It’s the 16th of July, 2016.

LAUREN: Bingo!

JOE: Bango.

LAUREN: OK, so. In my column, I like to talk about balance, and how to be a smart modern bride that keeps her feminism in mind, while also being able to maintain some of the old traditions she likes a lot. And a lot of commenters mention how all of that should extend to the groom, too, and how throwing a wedding nowadays should be more of a 50/50 affair than it was in the weddings of yesteryear.


JOE: Yes…

LAUREN: Thus far, in terms of planning our wedding, I’ve definitely taken the reins. And the entire buggy. And all the horses. And turned it into a hot rod. And blown the fucker clear out of town. Where do you feel like you stand right now, planning-wise, regarding your role versus mine?


JOE: I feel like I’m in the passenger’s seat or like running behind the car reaching for the bumper.

LAUREN: Ha, um, go on.

JOE: I do feel like it’s almost like you’ve spent days and days in a basement researching and concocting the perfect wedding and I’m sort of like your Igor.


LAUREN: OK, not great. I don’t want it to be a situation like that!

JOE: It’s not—I mean, I was being a little bit dramatic, for effect.


JOE: I just mean, really, I feel as though you genuinely care more about what the day will be like than I do. I love the idea of marrying you, I love the idea of spending the rest of my life with you, but I feel like I am not as focused on the day itself, or what I picture the day itself to be like.


LAUREN: That makes sense—it’s probably because you haven’t read a zillion wedding blogs and stuff. Are there certain aspects of the wedding that you do care a lot about?

JOE: I do care about it being a good time, and not stressful. I mean, that’s trite. But I care about there not being too much left up to chance.


LAUREN: So you hope that some… amorphous, zephyr-like being…plans and makes all the decisions and does all the rigging.

JOE: I just don’t want anything to be disappointing, and I know it won’t be. Maybe part of the reason why I don’t have much fervor for the choices about it necessarily, are that that way I can not have as many things that need to be perfect?


LAUREN: You mean if you don’t have expectations, you wont be as disappointed if things fall through? Joseph, that’s MISERABLE.

JOE: Ha, well, maybe. I just feel like what I want is to see everyone from all different parts of my life come together, and have it almost be like a culmination of my life and stepping into a new part of my life. That’s it! Simple.


LAUREN: That sounds much nicer.

JOE: That’s important to me. I sort of see it as a bon voyage kind of ceremony.

LAUREN: So you’re less focused on details, and more focused on the big pic.

JOE: Yes, erase the depressing stuff from before and just say that.

LAUREN: Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. [Surprise, I didn’t.] Moving on: If you had to plan our wedding 100% by yourself, what would it look like? What would the food be, if you could pick anything? Gushers?


JOE: Good question! Close—coconut shrimp would definitely be in there.

LAUREN: LOL, lofty.

JOE: Let’s put pigs in a blanket on the list, too.

LAUREN: OK. How about flowers and décor? What would you do for that? Or would you just skip it all and hang coconut shrimp from the ceiling.


JOE: Hang shrimp from ceiling, yes, and you have to stand on chairs to get it. Lots of flowers and some décor. I would keep it simple, just like some greens in a mason jar centerpieces.

LAUREN: Wow! So far we’re on the same page! Shrimp garland notwithstanding.

JOE: Lauren, I already have you as a cheat sheet.

LAUREN: Haha, but this isn’t a test! I’m just curious how far my vision deviates from yours. So far barely any deviation at all, but you seem to have Stockholm syndrome.


JOE: Yes, definitely! I mean before meeting you and getting to know what you thought of weddings, I may have had a different idea of what my wedding would be. I always pictured myself being married in a Catholic church with a priest, honestly.

LAUREN: But we decided together that we didn’t really think that was “us.”

JOE: Correct.

LAUREN: Also churches can be so…organ-y. Weee weee weewe we we we wewew, organ sounds.


JOE: Intimidating and very empty, yeah. What song was that that you were just playing?

LAUREN: The one they play, that goes, ner ner, ner ner. Nevermind.

JOE: …

LAUREN: Are you comfortable so far with the division of labor in terms of planning?


JOE: Well, yes and no.

LAUREN: DO TELL!!!!!!!!!

JOE: Obviously I’m comfortable since I haven’t had to do anything yet, but I’m uncomfortable because I want to be more active. Still, it’s hard to be active when I want you to have everything you want on that day, you know?


LAUREN: Fair, but I also want you to have what you want. And I’m glad to hear you say you actually want to do more!

JOE: I guess what I could be doing is pointing out things more often to actively influence you.


LAUREN: Definitely. And we could give you more entire categories to cover, like along with picking the band for the ceremony, which we already said you’d do, you could find the DJ, a photo booth person, the caterers, etc.

JOE: Do you feel like I’m not taking an active enough role in the wedding planning process so far?


LAUREN: No. I think, embarrassingly, I’ve sort of made it so like, you **couldn’t** take much more of a part. Ooooopss.

JOE: You haven’t stifled me from taking a part in this! You’re just passionate!

LAUREN: Phew, good. OK, here’s a fun one: Are there any dumb things you’ve seen that you forbid me from forcing into our wedding?


JOE: I’m not going to throw a football to anybody (no offense to [our friend whose wedding we went to] Dave, who can totally do that because he’s built like a football player, but I can’t do that because the ball would deflate in my hand or right after I threw it and make a fart noise).

LAUREN: Ok, so no pics with sports.

JOE: No pics with sports. How about some must-haves? I like the garter thing.

LAUREN: EW! Of course you like it.

JOE: I know we’re **not** going to do the garter thing…

LAUREN: Good. Glad you know that.

JOE: I don’t even really understand it. The only time I’ve seen it done with teeth (which was how I was thinking of doing it) was in a HBO documentary on someone transitioning from a woman to a man; then they had a wedding where he pulled the garter off with his teeth. Thirteen-year-old me was like, “I want to do that at my wedding.”


LAUREN: That sounds like it’d be way over budget.

JOE: OK, what else… I mean, I don’t like that one dress on Say Yes to the Dress that looks just like a bustie…bustiyay?


LAUREN: OK, I wont get that dress. I hate it, anyway.

JOE: Boostiyay.

LAUREN: Do you care that I sort of care more about how the cake looks than tastes?


JOE: Hm. Well, this might be the one issue between us. Will it be spongy or not so spongy?

LAUREN: Not sure.

JOE: I might have gone with a more general cake. I mean I think I’m just much less inventive than you when it comes to this stuff.


LAUREN: Again, mostly because I spend a lot more time reading about weddings.

JOE: I like cake.

LAUREN: OK, in summation: 1) cake; 2) garters; 3) 7ou want to help me however you can, but you sort of DGAF about the details. So if I maybe spread some knowledge around, you can make some more informed choices and find some things you really like, and then we can make this more egalitarian. Then we’re a team, so its not just me quietly freaking out at work when I should be, you know, actually working.


JOE: Yes, but really, like for me, most important choice has already been made and done with, and I’ve much less anxiety: Already asked you to marry me, done, decision made, now Lauren makes decisions for rest of life. Yes, I think that’s a brilliant idea.

LAUREN: Can I get a signed copy of that statement?

JOE: Definitely not.

Image via Shutterstock.



Can we get a “heyoo” for HOW FUCKING TRUE-TO-LIFE HARD THIS IS?! I feel like I’ve spent my entire life thinking about and planning my wedding because I was a bored 90s girl, and my partner never even thought about the logistics until his sister got married recently. WOULD I WERE SO LUCKY. I’ve been taking subtle notes about the behind-the-scenes process since I was 8. And since discovering feminism (read: a parity relationship), my interest in having a wedding has plummeted. So here we are. While it makes sense that I would take the reigns since I thought about it so much up until about last year when I stopped caring, does that make it fair?

My fear is it will become a “these are the things I’m interested in, you get the rest” -trope. So of course I’ll have my tasks down pat because I’m interested in them and getting them perfect, and he just gets the leftovers. Neither of us care about the cake so... that goes to him I guess? But that doesn’t seem fair either.