Everyone knows that the point of a shower (wedding or baby) is to get presents. Most people, however, at least pretend to believe the polite fiction that showers are a time to get together and celebrate, because it’s inappropriate to just go after people for money without even pretending you want to see them. Not anymore. Say hello to the silent shower.
While I don’t know how true the following photo, posted by a redditor whose friend received it and which is now garnering outrage across all the internets, is, I can tell you that silent showers, often for babies but sometimes for brides, are definitely a thing.
Question one: Why would anyone do this?
Question two: Are people really so greedy that they can’t accept that they’ll just get cash at the wedding and insist on a shower gift even though they won’t be having a shower?
Question three: Is it possible that this invitation was sent only to third-tier wedding guests who weren’t invited to the actual shower?
Question four: Would you even bother going to the wedding of someone who did this? Because I would not. In fact, I would take the amount of money I had planned to give the couple and donate it to a charity of my choice or, hey, buy myself some toys. (Fun story: I once went to a baby shower of someone I didn’t know and my partner insisted on buying them a stroller because that’s how he is, so I kept the stuffed kangaroo I purchased for the event out of spite.)
Question five: What kind kind of people do this? I recognize that they may assume (mistakenly) that people would rather just do away with the pretense of a shower and send a check—and some might—but you have to offer the option of attending a party. Otherwise, it’s just a naked money grab and there’s no way to excuse one of those.
Question six: Do you think someone who would throw a silent shower would be the type of person to take constructive criticism well? Because, at the very least, there’s some bad logic going on here. If there is no bride and no guests, then who is expected to provide the checks? What motivation do I have to go to the store, buy a card and then stuff it to the gills with money that I slaved over a hot blog to earn without even being given the nominal title of “guest?” I mean, the veil of decency on this card is so thin you can literally see the words “LOL WE HATE U SEND MONEY” bleeding through the ink.
Question seven: Do I have to give more money if I were theoretically planning to bring a plus-one or am close enough to the non-bride to be considered a good friend?
Question eight: Is this invitation enough of a reason to be condemned to hell for eternity or at least to have your wedding be stricken off people’s social calendars?
Question nine: What’s more unforgivable: The tacky invitation demanding you send a check or the fact that the people who wrote this were so fucking excited to get some fucking skrilla that they couldn’t even spell “envelope” correctly?
Question ten: What’s up with that font?
Have you ever seen anything tackier? Please leave your responses in the comments. I’ll be over here, overdosing on valium to keep my blood pressure in check.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Top image via Universal Pictures.