Spill It: We Want To Hear About Your Craziest Wedding Hookups!

Illustration for article titled Spill It: We Want To Hear About Your Craziest Wedding Hookups!

Welcome to Pop The Question, a weekly space to dissect every aspect of wedding madness. Each Tuesday, we’ll ask a question (sometimes there might even be a poll!), you’ll share answers and stories, and then we’ll bring you the best of the bunch on Thursdays. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll fly into a total rage over something that doesn’t actually matter … it will be just like your wedding day.

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Brides and grooms, take a seat. This week’s Pop The Question is for all the single ladies (and dudes): Tell us your most bonkers wedding hookup stories!

Oh sure, the brides and grooms also did some hooking up at their wedding — hopefully! — but that’s not what we’re here for today. We want to hear your regrettable and not-so-regrettable tales of shagging the proverbial groomsman. Did you do it in the bathroom? In the coat closet? Under the bandstand? Did a flower girl catch you in flagrante delicto?

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Tell us everything, and we’ll meet back here on Thursday to enjoy the very best and very, very worst of your wedding hookup stories.


Contact the author at jolie@deadspin.com.

Image via Getty.

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DISCUSSION

thehopmomma
thehopmomma

This is not my story. I was merely an observer on this crazy wedding hook-up ride.

This is all about my brother-in-law and his horrible, dreadful hook-up mistake.

It was his good friend’s wedding a few years ago. It was a very affluent wedding. Top of a hotel overlooking the ocean, 15 piece swing band, at least 4 open bar stations, sit down steak dinner. One of the top 5 weddings I have been too in terms of money spent. It was swanky. Well my brother-in-law somehow hooked up with one of the bridesmaids, who happened to be the bride’s cousin. Well after a very full evening of parting, a small group of us head back to our house to continue the fun. Naturally my BIL and his new “friend” come along.

My husband and I at the time lived in a very small guest cottage behind a larger house. It is small inside, but we had a lovely yard space and it was surprisingly private from the main house. So we set up some lawn chairs, build a fire in the fire pit and continue the party. Some how my BIL and bridesmaid slip away from the group and head into the house. She asked him to show her the bathroom. Next thing I know, my stereo is playing and we all look up and into the rather large windows and see BIL is now getting a bump and grind lap dance from bridesmaid. My husband quickly walks in the house and asks them to stop doing that on our couch. They blush, we all laugh. That should have been it.

Nope.

Next thing I know, my friend walks into the house to get a beer and comes stumbling out like a bat out of hell. Apparently, they moved from the living space to my tiny galley kitchen, where bridesmaid is bent over my stove while BIL is drilling her from behind. It was not graceful, a lot of drunk stumbling and sweat. Again, we can all see this from the LARGE windows from the yard.

At this point, I am fed up. I run in the house, and yell at the top of my lungs for him to pull his dick out of that fucking bitch and to get out of my house. BIL gets really mad at me and tells me I am cockblocking him. My husband gets in his face and tells him that he should not be fucking random girls in our kitchen. We make food on that stove.

Bridesmaid is now telling BIL that she has a room back at the wedding hotel and they should just go back. BIL is trying to get in his car, but is drunk as shit. My husband takes his keys and calls a cab. Loads BIL and bridesmaid into cab, gives the cabbie $40 bucks as a tip just because at this point my BIL has become a belligerent asshole.

An hour goes by and we are bringing the after wedding gathering to an end when we get a phone call from the groom. Apparently, bridesmaid did not have a room at the hotel like she said, but instead was trying to convince the bride and groom to give up their room for an hour so she could hook up with BIL. And BIL was okay with this and did not understand why the groom was being such a dick.

The groom kicked them out and BIL had to spend $500 for a room (really swanky hotel) for the night.

A year later, I asked him if the sex was worth all of that. He alienated his friend the groom, the bride still hates him, and he never spoke with the bridesmaid again.

He apparently got whiskey dick and wasn’t able to preform. So poor dude in the end, didn't even get to finish what he started.

And that folks, is the craziest wedding hook up story I have.