This DGAF Strategy Is the Only Way to Win the Dreaded Bouquet Toss

As a dude, I’m biased, but I love the bouquet toss at weddings. Not only because I’m usually so drunk I can’t feel my teeth, but also because it’s the only game you can win (existentially speaking, anyhow). For many women, however, the bouquet toss is a matter of being coerced, once again, into playing a game which singles out unattached women and corrals them together to fight over a bunch of used flowers that are supposed to symbolize true love and eternal happiness. With that in mind, one woman decided to show everyone exactly how she felt about it.

The above picture, posted on Reddit yesterday, didn’t have much of a description attached. In fact, the poster only confirmed that she was single and just didn’t give a fuck about catching the bouquet. With just her uninterested expression and a passion reserved only for her drink, she made it clear how stupid the entire thing is. Because why stand in the center of the room and catch a dumb-ass bouquet which is supposed to predict love when most weddings have an open bar and good alcohol? (But not all of them. Sometimes you have to pay for even the soda and then you complain about that wedding for years to come, like I am doing now.) (Catching the bouquet at that wedding was really the only pro of the entire thing.)

If you just don’t have the energy to be as cool and disaffected as the woman in the photo, you could always do what I do, which is try to take down anyone between you and the bouquet. Forget the flowers even symbolize anything and try to win them just for the love of the game. and then take a victory lap.

This is what I look like when I try to catch the bouquet: (Jump to 0:35)

In fact, the last time I caught a bouquet, it was me against a five-year-old. I pushed her out of the way, screaming, “Child slavery is wrong!” When she started crying because she didn’t catch the flowers, I kindly informed her that I had actually saved her.

Also, my favorite bouquet toss story is when someone else caught the thing and I lunged at them with a battle cry to wrest it away. I won in the end, but only after my partner screamed “It’s me! It’s me! I caught it! You can have it!”

I guess the takeaway of this post — besides the fact that the woman in the picture is awesome and should continue doing this at every wedding until she has a collection amassed and can turn it into a coffee table book — is that you should really invite me to your wedding.